Martin the Map

Martin may be obsessed.  He needs to have a map to look at, at all times!!

Whatever he is doing he needs a map to do it.      He needs a map to check the sat nav is working properly and not taking him in the wrong direction.  He needs a mapping sat nav program on his Ipad so the nice lady who tells you which way to go can confirm the main car sat nav is not misleading him.

He needs several maps to compare routes and avoid motorways and toll roads, determined to use the smallest single track route in existence.

He will pick routes that minimise tolls, but he doesn’t take into account the extra driving he is imposing on the driver or the extra petrol he is using.

If he sees a map on a notice board he must stop and photograph it for the records, the same with maps in shops, he spends hours browsing and buying maps to prove where he has been.    Duplicate maps are more than welcome, as are multiple Ipad mapping programs.   When they contradict each other he simply picks a new destination.

First thing he does in a day is pick up his maps, he carries them everywhere.     He studies them at every waking moment and has even taken to calling out directions in an attempt to confuse the main car sat nav unit, and the driver.  It’s especially confusing when we are not in the car, passers- by are left wondering about his sanity.

He uses the ipad map program to select destinations.   He will only select destinations that are on his mapping program, presumably sponsored links. 

Need a restaurant, most people would consult a good food guide, Martin consults a map.   He will zoom in on an area in order to select a restaurant.  If it’s not on the map he won’t go there in case he gets lost.    Doesn’t matter what it’s like as long as it’s on his map.   If you pick a different one he will direct you to one of his choosing anyway.  Bound to be good, it’s on my map!

Martin also gets confused.  If he uses his Ipad mapping program in the morning he will invariably use a paper map or two in the afternoon, or visa versa.   Since Martin cannot compute on a paper map at the same super speed of the Ipad, he will tend to compute completely different routes.  Of course when the driver sticks to the original plan all hell breaks loose.

No route is good enough unless its Martin’s latest route, and as long it is confirmed by at least three iPad programs and two paper maps.

Now, take the third turning on the left….

The new Album - archived

Have completed as much as I intend to.  A pilot 2 disc set was created for public opinion.  One electric, one acoustic.  A mix of covers and my own compositions.

There is some good stuff on it however as a project it isnt a success.  The acoustic stuff is all too similar, a lack of variety, and my time in Spain spent on nylon guitar has slightly changed my playing style mid project.

Quite frankly i cant be bothered to correct the numerous errors and record enough variety to make it viable, so it is now consigned to the archives.

I wrote some new stuff while in Spain, so I will start all over with that in the new year and see where it takes itself, but I am also somewhat inclined towards a return to my prog roots.

So seasons greetings, I hope the New year is a happier one then this one has been, and that it brings everything that you ever hoped for.

Am I back or just visiting

Been all over the place, causing chaos. There were revolutions in Egypt and Tunisa after i put ideas in their heads while visiting, an earthquake in Mexico and Spain, the president died while i was in Prague(but they didnt catch me)

They also bombed Jema El Fna while I was in Marrakech, but they missed me by a couple of hours, bad timing. So having run out of places to destroy, done the gardening and made a cup of tea, it seems appropriate to return here and post an update.

My last studio CD was quite a success, it sold six copies, and I earned a copious fortune, some $2.25 from downloads, except that I cant collect until its over $25. A lot of people liked it and had free copies though, so I will have to stop doing that..

Working on a new one now, a different angle, I want the new one to be mostly acoustic, its not easy to convert heavy metal to acoustic, but actually I dont write heavy metal, which is why I am trying this conversion.

Led Zepplin doesnt quite sound the same on a piano and the same is happening to me. I get a lot of nice songs though, BUT they all sound similar when put together as a collection, so its a work in progress.

The weather has been horrid and the ark is almost completed. Unfortunately we have a water shortage despite the 38 days and nights of rain and so I havent been able to deep water test the old girl yet.

Stocking with animals has also fallen foul of the local RSPCA, who seem to think that cramped conditions are not in the poor animals best interests. Obviously drowning is.

It is now day 39, and so far today there has been no rain, this better not have been a false alarm!

I decided some while ago that I dont do ironing, a huge pile of washed and dried clothes has since developed in the laundry room, and all of my wardrobes and drawers are now empty.

This will help when i downsize my house, i will not need anything like as much furniture.

The only minor setback is the lack of invitations out. I suspect as I now look like Ive been dragged through a hedge backwards, run over by a tractor and left to fester that people just prefer other company.

Even people who issued beer invites and the like fled into the distance and wont return emails. Its odd being retired....

There are two beer festivals on monday, bring them on!

Bugger the suns just come out!

More about Mary

Today is her grandsons christening. Will her ex husband be there... no, he is not permitted.

His daughter wants him to be there but Mary doesn't want him there. So she took over the organisation and instructed the larger and more aggressive members of her family to issue threats against the ex about what they would do to him if he had the audacity to show his face. He couldn't just wave an invitation in their face as he didn't receive one.

And all this from a supposedly catholic family. I expect they will just confess and get forgiven while they are still at the church, so by the time they start partying they will have a clean conscience again.

I don't suppose they even care how much damage to other people's feelings they have done, or perhaps it was deliberate....

Perhaps Mary is running out of money again and is not so nice anymore.

In any event, its a disgraceful way to treat the poor lads grandfather and they should ALL be ashamed of themselves.

Mary - the one person credit crisis.

Mary was a really nice person until the money supply dried up, then without her husbands knowledge she took out loans and maxed out credit cards. Once this all came to light she fled and left her husband to bring up the children.

Determined not to let this interfere with her lifestyle, she then embarked on a spending spree to end all spending sprees, and once there was no more credit available, she decided to divorce her husband and take him to the financial cleaners for yet a further supply.

And so that brings us up to date.

I suspect Mary is currently a nice person again, but beware.

Bradwell Marina

A cautionary tale for anyone thinking of using the facilities at Bradwell Marina.

The standard berthing contact contains two boxes into which two dates are written. These by implication are the start date and end date of the mooring contract, I say by implication because there is no text on the boxes to indicate their actual purpose.

One may reasonably assume that these dates represent a period of "cover" as would be the case if this were an annual insurance policy. One may further assume this is the case because shortly before the "expiry" date the accounts office will write to you and offer you a "renewal".

When you no longer wish to moor your boat, part way through the period covered you will however discover, that Bradwell interpret their contract differently. They claim that this contract is a "term contract", although nowhere on the contract itself does it say this.

They then go on to claim that the customer is not permitted to cancel, despite there being a termination clause, and notice period in the terms and conditions. They then rely on the unmarked date boxes to exclude their own conditions.

The subtle distinction of course is that terminating early will not result in any refund of fees paid because they refuse to allow any early termination.

I am advised by my solicitor that their contract is in fact deficient and it can in fact be argued that it is actually a rolling contract. In favour of this arguament is that fact that renewal is offered automatically, nowhere on the contract does it say that it is a term contract, and the purpose of the date boxes is not clearly marked. However it costs money to test this theory through the courts, unfortunately more than the refund I am due.

Arguing with the people at Bradwell directly is not possible because they refuse to enter into any sensible debate, they simply send a standard letter stating their position, and then repeat this position ad infinitum, completely ignoring any points you may bring up.

Fortunately there are cheaper moorings available at Brightlingsea, West Mersea, Burnham on Crouch, Heybridge and Maylandsea, amongst others. Burnham also has better facilities, an on site chandlery and the people there do not treat you with contempt.

But if you really must use Bradwell, I recommend that you pay monthly, so that terminating does not leave you out of pocket. You can simply stop the payments and let them try and chase you, boot on other foot so to speak.

You have been warned...

OKAY - SO? - It's been a while

It's been a while since I sat here. I've been in the studio recording some new material.

Nasty difficult things studios, have to keep chasing duff notes out of guitar solos and modifying my voice so that you cant tell that I cant sing one jot. Well the latter never hides the fact anyway, but I'm past caring...

I set off with the idea for eight or nine songs, and end up with three recorded, the rest have fled into the heavens to escape being captured on tape...

So, its back to the writing book, as I need just a few more tracks before a CD will see the light of day again. Never mind, it passed the time...

Meanwhile back in reality the house remains a tip while I re-decorate, but the task is nearly finished, there are just two rooms left to do. My study was last week. I am now in a clutter free zone with far more space.

I can stretch out to type this and the carpet smells of carpet again.

It used to smell of prawns after an "attack" by a certain teenager while I was away on holiday once. Amazing what they get up to. My electric drill that he had borrowed, but had never seen, amazingly re-appeared, after being missing for two years, when he moved out as did my missing tools from under his bed.

The smell of sweat and vomit disappeared after a new paint job in the room, but the prawn smell prevailed. It survived him leaving to act as a reminder to think twenty seven times before having kids.... Finally he's gone!

And in a week or so the house will be a clutter free zone as well. Just in time in fact for me to move in more clutter from my late mums house. Is this a vicious circle or will it all be alright on the night?

LyinAir? Thieving Air??

You know the ones....Flew in from Katoviche just now, already depressed having seen the end of the line for the 1.1 million at Auschwitz, i really just wanted to get home.

My first mistake was to order a pannini. In fact my first mistake was to order anything at all as the cabin crew had no change. I wanted to pay in zlotys or whatever they call the local currency. That confused the buggers, first they converted it to Euros then to pounds and thus worked out the change in sterling. Having done so they then didnt give me it as they didnt have any!

So I had ordered this pannini. They should use the change they thieved to teach the staff how to recognise a pannini. Actually its quite easy there is a picture of one on the menu card! What they brought was called a baquette. It said so on the label although it wasnt even a baquette as it wasn't made with french flour. Indeed it was a normal white bread roll!

Has anyone ever microwaved a bread roll? Doesnt work does it.!!

So they offered a refund. They calculated that into Euros, then into zlotys and then gave me some zlotys and some sterling. However they managed it the refund left me a further £1 out of pocket as their calculations appeared erroneous.

A debate ensued between senior cabin crew and me as he claimed that this was in fact a pannini since it came from France and of course the French only have french bread and not Italian bread? That lost me the will to live, and since the plane hadnt been to France and wasnt even flying over France didnt explain anything. Including why it was a microwaved bread roll and how they continued to fail to understand that.

So I stayed hungry and out of pocket until the the plane landed. It landed 15 minutes late but they still played the bells and announced how this was yet another flight that was on-time and how 99% of all their flights land on time. I guess that's when they dont cancel them instead.

Why the need to lie about such trivia is beyond me.

On landing the plane swerved viciously to the left, and had to be corrected before the air brakes were applied. As a result I also failed to understand why the entire plane burst into applause.

This is something which to my way of thinking is usually reserved for pilots who demonstrate exceptional skill or do something heroic but it seems to have become a normal sport on Lyinair, such that the passengers feel obliged to heap praise on the pilot for simply landing at all!

Anyway they didnt charge me to get off which I considered to be a bonus, and there was no charge to use the steps down from the plane either. Missed a trick there Michael!

And on a slightly more sobering note, the airport bus that took some of the passengers to our plane tonight had blacked out and boarded up windows. I noted with dismay that Polish workers were ferrying people about in boarded up transport crammed in like sardines. I'd heard quite enough of that behaviour earlier in the day.

Its been a while

In fact its been a long while. I have no excuse except that I have been trying to put my life back together. Crikey a serious post.

Trouble is that every time I go somewhere someone in the family dies, It's not deliberate and some of them should definately not have gone yet, but I cant bring them back although I would very much like to.

So to avoid thinking about it I throw myself into redecorating the house, attacking the jungle that was once my garden, trying to restore three weed beds that used to be lawns, well you know how it is...

Then there was the pond, well there used to be, it was there last year, i expect it will appear eventually somewhere.

The house though is starting to look better, i have knocked out walls, windows and doors,painted liberally, mostly on myself, papered and mopped up paint, it is starting to look worthy again. In fact downstairs in nearly completed as is bathroom, hall and stairs, so just the bedrooms to go.

What was once kitchen and conservatory is now kitchen/diner, the old dining room is now a recording studio, the office is now an office but with some spare space and the playroom is now half full of junk removed from the house. Freecycle will get most of it, those charity bags that are really eastern block traders have had most of the easily portable, and all the junk furniture has gone to the tip. The tip tried to charge me rent I took so much!

The bedrooms are cleared and ready to paint. That will remove that legacy and quite frightful smell of sweaty teenager, well i hope it does anyway, otherwise I will have to rebuild!

So there is light at the end of the tunnel, I may even get finished before retirement overtakes me at this rate.

I shall then perhaps have time for a social life!

If there is anyone left to socialise with....

Have fun...

Yours
Depressed from lying under a large girder.

I came accross this and decided it is a worthwhile franchise opportunity





*pple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Casa Luis' Restaurent, Guardamar, Spain

Casa Luis is a restaurent that is run by a mad spaniard. He speaks no English, is half blind, but he loves making out he is the "perfect host". Faulty Towers has nothing on this place.

There is also usually a Mrs Luis who runs the place.

The place is full of antiques, they hang everywhere. Piles of pre war radios, strange implements and canisters of all shapes and sizes. Wines from all over the world, lie in dust in spaces around the walls. Its sort of like an old farm/pub but nothing like that at all. There is hardly room for the few tables that manage to sit inside. There are faded pictures of Luis with various celebreties dating back years, everywhere.

I thought Luis would probably be dead by now. I have no idea why.

There is a sign in the window that indicates all is not well, the place is up for sale or something, we fail to translate it correctly. My friend still wants to risk it.

The bar was in darkness, no lights in the kitchen, just Luis behind the bar and one other bloke. We walk in.

This year there was no Mrs Luis, just Luis, looking not a day older than last time we met. He shakes my hand profusely and makes lots of noises in Spanish, some of which I translate into greetings.

Luis makes a fuss of us in Spanish and wants to know what we will drink, before we can choose two beers arrive. Cloudy fizzy beer. It actually tastes ok so we determine it must be German wheat beer. I ask if they are open for food, Si, Si, Si, says Luis... Luis gets menus.

We sit down. No waiter, so in the end I go to bar to order. I order by numbers as Luis cant see the menu properly! I ask who is chef tonight, Luis points at this bloke in the corner who I thought was a customer! I'm sure he is a customer...!!!

The customer goes to kitchen and puts the lights on, he doesnt take our order with him. He stands in the kitchen looking out of place. He was. The "Chef" stares at the appliances in turn, he hasnt a clue!

I ask where is Mrs Luis, Senora Luis?. Luis points at the telephone. I says "is she alright". Si, Si, Si Senor says Luis. I sit down again. Luis says "Mrs Luis is the other end of the telephone" in Spanish of course....

Ten minutes later our order is still on the bar, Mrs Luis walks in. Kisses for customers is a bit over the top but for some reason she is genuinely happy to see us. She takes our order off the bar strolls to the kitchen and the kitchen springs into life. The "Chef" returns to his beer.

We run out of cloudy beer, I decide against another and order red wine. A bottle of 1997 vintage Rioja El Coto crianza appears. I suspect this is dangerous given I hadn't seen a price list. Luis breaks the cork in half and then somehow manages to extract the remains with a table knife without corking the wine, quite amazing in fact. It tastes great.

I had ordered a Tuna and a salad for main course. The salad arrives first. A very nice salad indeed. We share it.

Next comes "tapas" which we hadnt ordered. Sort of potatoe cakes, also pleasing. Then came Octopus Gallentia, juicy octopus in paprika and a light sauce. Excellent. But we had ordered that as a starter.

Then came my Tuna, (with chips) and other main courses. Oh and some bread and ali oli. We usually get that first!

I run out of that fine wine, and Luis promptly brings 1998 Rioja. Extra Special he says. Well it is still a crianza, but I've never heard of the vineyard. It is actually better than the first bottle. Luis says "on the house"... Restaurent's dont normally donate £50 wines, but I wasnt arguing... The food is all excellent.

Mrs Luis appears with her coat on. More kisses for customers and profuse thank you's and off she goes into the night leaving Luis in charge again. She was "honoured" that we had requested her to do our meal. I hadnt really! Clearly Luis thought I had though...so that was okay...accidentaly!

Luis makes the point that he is back in charge by bringing strange looking glasses full of black stuff. Its chocolatey? Caramel? dammed strong anyway and thick like treacle...We have coffees to neutralise it. We have more treacle to neutralise the coffee. I am getting seriously over the limit...

I dare to ask for the bill. Its a very reasonable 75 Euros, and that lovely wine had been 24 Euros. For what we had just consumed it was a complete bargain.

Luis' is a mad restaurent. For what it can deliver, it deserves to survive forever, but worryingly it was empty, and when reserve summer chef is working the food can be terrible. Mrs Luis however makes the place what it is, perfection and a great night out.

You take a chance when you walk in, but it can be the experience that makes your week....or not...

The update

And so the great day dawned, the court had approved the final settlement and I am now a free man with no financial obligations.

Of course that's just as well as I've just been fleeced of £90,000 but in return i get to keep the house and the kids are not made homeless by the random behaviour of the ex's solicitor..

Main problem was that the court actually decided this in January but forgot to tell me, so by the time i received the warning i only had three days to pay. Has anyone tried to transfer that amount of dosh in three days? I had the fraud squad on the phone the first day.

Now Sir, we cant permit this sort of thing

Er, but the court insists.

We dont care you have to transfer less than £9,999 we cant handle the paperwork otherwise...

So I can do three transfers and the rest by cheque?

yes but only if you must, and we will have to report you for money laudering

And so it was made so, and I am free but skint...The ex can answer the fraud squad questions on where she suddenly found £90,000 from.

"Under the bed madam?, ehhem, I think not"

I thought I had kept some back for house repairs but in fact I had used it earlier to keep my company shares...oops...Now the repairs will have to be botched...but they will still need to be done...

And so to socials. I tried to go to the folk club last week, but it had closed. They must have heard I was thinking of playing some Pink Floyd songs and gone home to Cork...

Well in a way that would be a welcome thing, but some of the music was actually ok (sometimes), the trouble was that there was only enough ok stuff for one performance a year, not every week, so the locals had tired of attending.

Some enterprising spark has created a new club called Pheonix(genius) that now just meets every second friday in the month. I suppose they may have more ok stuff but I will have to wait until this week to find out. Anyways if you are near the Red Lion in Whittlesford, pop in and try it out. We should support these enterprises...

I will now have to wait and see if Pink Floyd is acceptable to the new owners!

and then there was HELGA!

Helga, now theres a name, it conjures up images of Russian weightlifters from the 1970's....Well Helga isnt her real name, thats obscured for legal reasons, but the images are right enough!

Helga is where the doctor sends you when your liver tests have failed. She is supposed to put you on a diet to stop you becomming a diabetic, it's all in good faith. The problem is Helga.

A dragon would breath less fire and brimstone.

Helga says she invented diets, she lied.

Her diet has a get out clause, eat "as much as you like" of these foods.. God help you if you invoke this excuse for not losing a stone a day though, again she lied, she didnt mean that at all....

Helga tells me that thin people are people who "always feel hungry" but they "put up with it". I do not know any thin people that tell me they are hungry when asked, except sometimes at meal times of course. She lied.

Having lost 29 pounds in three months and having to address the issues of clothes no longer fitting Helga tells me she is not satisfied and that I am clearly not getting the message. My mental approach is all wrong...I think she is lying again...

She suggests I should stop eating real food and drink strange pink liquids that costs a bob or three. I suggest that her family must have shares in said company. Serious mistake, i feel the dragon breath on my arms...

Now, I must go to meetings like the AA, I am apparently addicted to bad stuff called food...I suspect she is lying..

Helga tells me I must not eat any food or drink for 15 weeks and take these strange chemical substances instead. They may allow me to have some food afterwards if I'm good enough, but maybe not ever...

The very thought of Helga fills me with dread, 60's seaside landladies were less scary, and the fact that she cant tell truth from fiction just makes it all the worse...

Helga weighs me again, she has new scales. They show I have lost one pound. She throws another tantrum, ignoring my plea that by my home scales I've actually lost three, and the problem isn't me its her new scales....She tells me her new scales are 100% accurate. She lies again.

So fried on one side by dragon breath I depart, suitably lectured and completely mentally unstable, so unstable I follow her orders and make another appointment for two weeks time.

The Thought Police

This lad was hitch-hiking so we offered him a ride. Now you sort of expect that after a mile or so he would ask you to pull over and pick up his six mates, but not this one. This one had the Thought Police after him.

The first signs of paranoia became clear when he asked us where we were going, and he told us we shouldnt go there it was dangerous. He then continually changed his mind about where he wanted to go, and started to make it pretty clear that he wasnt getting out unless it was "safe". The Thought Police would of course be anywhere he could think of so no-where was really safe unless he could stop thinking.

We devised several ways of stopping him thinking but most involved his death or overdoses of harmful substances and he wasn't having any of them. People were always out to harm him or confuse him or hurt him in some way. Boy this guy was wierd.

So I drove to the most deserted spot I could think of. It was at least ten miles to the nearest civilisation. On a dark deserted bend I pulled over and said look!

Pointing at a really distant light, I said thats the M4, you'll be able to get a fast car west, and there is no-one nearby! He lept out and headed off into a field, we fled as fast as my poor vehicle could carry us.

Reflecting we realised that we were the reality in his maze, no wonder people treated him that way, you had to, to get rid of him!

Everything he said had probably been true!

Storm and other damage

There had been a storm, the worst on record and so I was summoned to make repairs to my villa in Spain.

Underneath had been flooded and the locals had mopped up and then put up the shutters and left the damp to do its worst. I guess its easy with hindsight to learn that we should have dried it out and then shut it up, but the result was mold and stripped paintwork on most walls. Its still damp now, penetrating, rising, falling, dripping, you name it, its very wet! They dont do damp proof courses in Spain, it never rains!

More damp upstairs, but this time I could paint over it with a degree of impunity, with more permanent repairs then postponed until January's painting party.

So what else went wrong, well, the shower rails fell off the wall, rusty screws. The toilet roll holder likewise. The toilet flush started leaking, and then once repaired started overflowing, and then when repaired started leaking again but in a different place.

The washing machine had taken a terminal hit during the storm from a lightning strike spike, so that had to be replaced.

Its amazing to think that one can get an engineer to diagnose the fault, chuck the machine and get a new one installed in 24 hours in a country where manyana normally prevails above all...

So what else, well the garden had taken a hit, but it was mostly leaves and branches to be taken to the recycler.

The DVD player had taken some abuse from a guest and was making a loud and seemingly terminal rattling noise when it should have been seeking the outer track list... After that it did work though...

And, someone had decided to take a light fitting apart downstairs. Dont ask,I havn't a clue why they would want to, but clearly putting it back together had defeated them.

Anyway the weather was cheerfully warm at 25 degrees apart from the day i tried out the new washing machine and had washing to dry, then it rained...

I tried fishing but that didnt really work either, I didn't catch anything worthy whilst others on the bank were hauling out tens of kilos of carp.

Oh and then I came back to England and guess what, there had been storms here and I have more storm damage!

Anyone want to swap luck?

Dead Fish

I had a dead Koi in my pond today.

There didnt seem much wrong with it apart from it wasnt breathing, oh and not moving, well except for when I shook it....

It didnt talk much either for that matter, but then Koi don't... especially dead ones. I asked it what was wrong with it but it didnt answer.

There was no sign of any of the other fish so I couldnt very well ask them either.

I took a guess and assumed the lack of water might be a problem so I've filled up the pond again. I've even added some random medication, you know the sort that says it cures all but never does.

So my conscience is now clear and I can depart for a weeks chill out in the sun safe and in the certain knowledge that......There was a dead fish in the pond...

.

Transdimensional Portals et al

Have you ever come across this sceanario, I'm sure everyone has.

Imagine you are doing something, doesnt matter what, jigsaw puzzle, sewing, making a model and you suddenly drop one of the pieces. That's it then you search everywhere but it cannot be found.

Or, the car keys are not where you left them, and nor are they anywhere in the house..

Its the transdimensional portal that snatches them.

The occupants of the parallel universe teleport items they do not have there, then they clone them, and then return them.

The trouble is that the teleporter system often gets its coordinates wrong and things land in the wrong place.

This explains why you can search for your car keys and eventually find them in a place where you definitely didn't leave them. Or never ever find the missing jigsaw puzzle piece.

There must be transdimensional conduit between someone else's office and mine. Its the only explanation why a number of items I've dropped recently have vanished completely.

Oh and there is also a temporal rift into which contact lenses, springs and other small parts disappear into for their entire lifetime, only to reappear the exact moment that you source a new one.

What a strange world...

The law according to EBD LTD Line Management

EBD BIG BOSS:

"Ah Stuart, how are you today, I see you have a deadline coming up in ten days time, well, as we speak that is being moved up and will now be close of play tomorrow.

Oh and that guy you have doing all of the design work, weve just made him redundant as he had no real work to do.

Oh and you cant sign this work off because you are not a designer anymore.

Oh and all of the remaining designers are busy for the next two weeks, and we are getting rid of them as they become freed up anyway...

Oh and we cant accept escalations as this instruction has come down from shit hit the fan level already....

Oh and we are marking you down on your performance report for missing a deadline. Sorry but we have to send them in in advance nowadays and we cant wait to see if you pull off your normal miracle............
"
EBD management only reads Gartner reports telling them how marvellous we 'were' for customer service and so think they have the correct operating model....

EBD shareholders think we are marvelous for shedding overheads.

Gartner says our customers adore us so it must be so..

Does anyone recognise a trend here. ???

Fishing and the vaguaries of weather

Saturday, fishing trip, long overdue.

So you do all the proper safety stuff, look up the tides, look up the weather. BBC weather says showers, winds <10 knots. Should have known better, of course they missed the hurricane didnt they!

So travel 75 miles to Bradwell.

Amazingly Rodolfo starts on the button, and using the on board battery, pretty good since she's been sat idle since August. Piles of smoke though, till she warms up....

Right off we go, no sign of showers, in fact the sky is clear blue and no sign of wind.

Out into the estuary, so its a bit choppy but nothing alarming. zoom about a bit looking for fish with the fish finder. Find a likely spot in the middle of nowhere and drop anchor.

Right so this is fun, nearest boat is about 1 mile away.

Put out lines and sit on side of boat to have a drink. Notice that nearest boat is now < 1 mile away, but we are not going anywhere we are anchored....

Now, the thing about wind is that Wind = Waves. Waves = "A rated" theme park ride in boat.

By now the wind is getting up and the nearest boat is a few hundred yards away. Its got a bit topsy turvy so we put on the life jackets in case we fall in....

Although the fishfinder shows loads of fish, they dont seem very interested in being caught today! Nesarest boat is about 100 feet away.

How is it that in an area of water appromimating 10 sq miles the only two boats in plain sight are drifting towards each other? You'd think that the tide and winds would affect both boats the same, but clearly they dont. We are still anchored, so I guess we had better pull anchor and move.

Well while trying to do that, the other boat drifts past us at about 3 knotts, pretty slow and we have to push it away to avoid a collision. Because they were all fishing off the back they were not looking out forwards, their captain was in the cabin with a cuppa!

So one near miss above water and several hundred below water.

By now the winds have got up and its about a F5, thats white horses on the waves and quite unpleasant. Kevin has gone green so we head for cover behind the power station cooling intakes, a sort of super tanker sized structure in the middle of the estuary....

A little shelter here but after another 30 mins and still no fish we've both had enough and head in. Amazingly as we enter the harbour the wind drops to almost zero.....

Well even with the wind it could have been a summers day, not bad for mid October....

Kevins Scooter and other mundane pastimes

Kevins scooter, well it's Roberts scooter but Kevin rides it, is now end of life in a sort of worn out crankshaft sort of way.

Noise and smoke is all you can get out of it instead of something useful like a ride up the road....

It will cost more than a 16yr old ever sees in their lives to fix. So yesterday it dawns on Kevin that he will need money to get a bus, so he's volunteering for paid housework. It's great the lawns are mowed and the house has been hoovered!

Mind you I still had to do an hours washing up and there are still no forks to be seen.

Anyway then he wants a lift to college anyway, so much for buses, obviously they are cold and dirty things to be avoided..

So I have been ferrying Kevin around all week and to and from college, my poor car is starting to wonder if I've got it in for it, all these strange new journeys, and in the middle of the night.....

I have done 200 odd miles and spent all this months petrol allowance and its still only thursday.

Well more later...