and then there was HELGA!

Helga, now theres a name, it conjures up images of Russian weightlifters from the 1970's....Well Helga isnt her real name, thats obscured for legal reasons, but the images are right enough!

Helga is where the doctor sends you when your liver tests have failed. She is supposed to put you on a diet to stop you becomming a diabetic, it's all in good faith. The problem is Helga.

A dragon would breath less fire and brimstone.

Helga says she invented diets, she lied.

Her diet has a get out clause, eat "as much as you like" of these foods.. God help you if you invoke this excuse for not losing a stone a day though, again she lied, she didnt mean that at all....

Helga tells me that thin people are people who "always feel hungry" but they "put up with it". I do not know any thin people that tell me they are hungry when asked, except sometimes at meal times of course. She lied.

Having lost 29 pounds in three months and having to address the issues of clothes no longer fitting Helga tells me she is not satisfied and that I am clearly not getting the message. My mental approach is all wrong...I think she is lying again...

She suggests I should stop eating real food and drink strange pink liquids that costs a bob or three. I suggest that her family must have shares in said company. Serious mistake, i feel the dragon breath on my arms...

Now, I must go to meetings like the AA, I am apparently addicted to bad stuff called food...I suspect she is lying..

Helga tells me I must not eat any food or drink for 15 weeks and take these strange chemical substances instead. They may allow me to have some food afterwards if I'm good enough, but maybe not ever...

The very thought of Helga fills me with dread, 60's seaside landladies were less scary, and the fact that she cant tell truth from fiction just makes it all the worse...

Helga weighs me again, she has new scales. They show I have lost one pound. She throws another tantrum, ignoring my plea that by my home scales I've actually lost three, and the problem isn't me its her new scales....She tells me her new scales are 100% accurate. She lies again.

So fried on one side by dragon breath I depart, suitably lectured and completely mentally unstable, so unstable I follow her orders and make another appointment for two weeks time.